The following is the transcript of a conversation I had with a young lady I met at the Home Economist Market in 2011. We met, exchanged numbers, and spoke on the phone a few days later.
The Home Economist Market (or Healthy Home Market) is a health food store that has the reputation of attracting a more health-conscious and culturally sophisticated clientele.
This conversation challenges that reputation.
***I dialed the telephone number and the phone rang three or four times. The young lady answered.***
Her: Hello.
Me: Hello, (her name)?
Her: This is she.
Me: Hi, this is Dante. We met at the Economist Market the other day.
Her: Oh, hi … I was wondering when you would call. How are you?
Me: I’m doing well. I had to fit you into my busy schedule. This was my week to organize my canned goods.
Her: Really?
Me: No, not really. I was just—
Her: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Yeah … sure.
Her: How do you feel about abortions?
Me: … about what?
Her: Abortions … how do you feel about women who have them?
Me: Oh, um, I wouldn’t want someone I was dealing with to have one. But for other people, that’s their business … why do you ask?
Her: Because I’ve had one before and the last guy who tried to talk to me was judgmental about it.
Me: Oh okay, was he religious?
Her: No, he wasn’t religious. He was just being a jerk because I told him I’d had one … well actually, I’ve had two.
Me: Oh … so when did you have them?
Her: One, when I was a sophomore in college, and the other, about two years ago.
Me: Oh, so you weren’t ready to have children two years ago?
Her: I don’t know. Maybe I would have been … but the guy who got me pregnant had a big nose, and I wasn’t trying to have a big-nosed baby.
Me: (silent pause)
Her: Hello?
Me: Yeah, I’m here … so, let me get this straight: you had an abortion because the guy who got you pregnant had a big nose?
Her: Yeah.
Me: That has to be the dumbest thing I’ve heard all year.
Her: No, it’s not.
Me: No, seriously, what you just said is probably the dumbest thing I’ve heard this calendar year.
Her: You’re judgmental too.
Me: Yeah, judgmental of dumb sh%t … and that’s some dumb sh%t.
Her: Well, it’s my body.
Me: Yeah, like it’s my car … but I wouldn’t remove the engine because my mechanic has a big nose. I’d stay away from big-nosed mechanics.
Her: Well, this guy had something else big too.
Me: Yeah, to match his big nose.
Her: Well, I like’em big … how big are you?
Me: What, my nose?
Her: No. You know what I’m talking about.
Me: Um, that’s probably something you won’t have to worry about.
Her: You don’t want to tell me—you must not be big.
Me: Anyway, back to your situation … so if the dude had a big nose and you weren’t on birth control, why didn’t you use a condom?
Her: We did, but it broke.
Me: Shutaaap! No, you didn’t … everyone says that.
Her: (laughs hysterically)…you’re right, we didn’t.
Me: So why didn’t you?
Her: Because I wanted to feel it … you can’t feel anything with a condom.
Me: Yeah, but I bet you felt the doctor shove that “iron claw” into your uterus.
Her: What?
Me: Nothing … so did you tell the guy when it happened?
Her: No, I didn’t tell him.
Me: Wait, so you didn’t tell the dude … why not?
Her: No, tell him for what?
Me: Because he should know something like that. You should have told him.
Her: Well, I didn’t.
Me: You know what … you’re not a well person.
Her: I am too a well person.
Me: No, you’re not. But wait, hold on, I have someone ringing my doorbell, or on the patio or something … let me call you back.
Her: What time?
Me: In about an hour, or 60 minutes, or so … I’ll call you right back.
Her: Okay, talk to you then.
Me: Alright … yeah.
***Click … and BLOCK!***
Lesson Learned: You can find “nuts and bananas” at the health food store, too.