The following is the transcript of a conversation I had with a young lady I met at the Home Economist Market in 2011. We met, exchanged numbers, and spoke on the phone a few days later.

The Home Economist Market (or Healthy Home Market) is a health food store that has the reputation of attracting a more health-conscious and culturally sophisticated clientele.

This conversation challenges that reputation.

***I dialed the telephone number and the phone rang three or four times. The young lady answered.***

Her: Hello.

Me: Hello, (her name)?

Her: This is she.

Me: Hi, this is Dante. We met at the Economist Market the other day.

Her: Oh, hi … I was wondering when you would call. How are you?

Me: I’m doing well. I had to fit you into my busy schedule. This was my week to organize my canned goods.

Her: Really?

Me: No, not really. I was just—

Her: Can I ask you a question?

Me: Yeah … sure.

Her: How do you feel about abortions?

Me: … about what?

Her: Abortions … how do you feel about women who have them?

Me: Oh, um, I wouldn’t want someone I was dealing with to have one. But for other people, that’s their business … why do you ask?

Her: Because I’ve had one before and the last guy who tried to talk to me was judgmental about it.

Me: Oh okay, was he religious?

Her: No, he wasn’t religious. He was just being a jerk because I told him I’d had one … well actually, I’ve had two.

Me: Oh … so when did you have them?

Her: One, when I was a sophomore in college, and the other, about two years ago.

Me: Oh, so you weren’t ready to have children two years ago?

Her: I don’t know. Maybe I would have been … but the guy who got me pregnant had a big nose, and I wasn’t trying to have a big-nosed baby.

Me: (silent pause)

Her: Hello?

Me: Yeah, I’m here … so, let me get this straight: you had an abortion because the guy who got you pregnant had a big nose?

Her: Yeah.

Me: That has to be the dumbest thing I’ve heard all year.

Her: No, it’s not.

Me: No, seriously, what you just said is probably the dumbest thing I’ve heard this calendar year.

Her: You’re judgmental too.

Me: Yeah, judgmental of dumb sh%t … and that’s some dumb sh%t.

Her: Well, it’s my body.

Me: Yeah, like it’s my car … but I wouldn’t remove the engine because my mechanic has a big nose. I’d stay away from big-nosed mechanics.

Her: Well, this guy had something else big too.

Me: Yeah, to match his big nose.

Her: Well, I like’em big … how big are you?

Me: What, my nose?

Her: No. You know what I’m talking about.

Me: Um, that’s probably something you won’t have to worry about.

Her: You don’t want to tell me—you must not be big.

Me: Anyway, back to your situation … so if the dude had a big nose and you weren’t on birth control, why didn’t you use a condom?

Her: We did, but it broke.

Me: Shutaaap! No, you didn’t … everyone says that.

Her: (laughs hysterically)…you’re right, we didn’t.

Me: So why didn’t you?

Her: Because I wanted to feel it … you can’t feel anything with a condom.

Me: Yeah, but I bet you felt the doctor shove that “iron claw” into your uterus.

Her: What?

Me: Nothing … so did you tell the guy when it happened?

Her: No, I didn’t tell him.

Me: Wait, so you didn’t tell the dude … why not?

Her: No, tell him for what?

Me: Because he should know something like that. You should have told him.

Her: Well, I didn’t.

Me: You know what … you’re not a well person.

Her: I am too a well person.

Me: No, you’re not. But wait, hold on, I have someone ringing my doorbell, or on the patio or something … let me call you back.

Her: What time?

Me: In about an hour, or 60 minutes, or so … I’ll call you right back.

Her: Okay, talk to you then.

Me: Alright … yeah.

***Click … and BLOCK!***

Lesson Learned: You can find “nuts and bananas” at the health food store, too.