The following is based on true events. Names, locations, and planetary boundaries have been changed to protect the unwitting.
I used to be a robot … and I lived on Pluto.
I lived on Pluto when it was still a planet—before scientists demoted it to a “Trans-Neptunian Object,” and confused school children throughout the galaxy.
Pluto was divided into two regions: the Upper terrain and the Lower terrain.
I lived on the border between the two terrains, but spent most of my free time on the Lower terrain. A fellow robot, the GL-900, lived on the Lower terrain and I would visit his space hub to compete in “Digital Image Modulations” until well past the lunar cycle—and even later on weekends.
The GL-900 and I landed on Pluto from different planets, but were built in similar production facilities so we got along based on our similar programming.
I moved to Pluto from Saturn and the GL-900 was one of the first robots to welcome me, along with a female robot that lived in the space hub adjacent to his.
The female robot was the CMX1200 series.
She would frequent the GL-900’s space hub while I was there, and she and I would exchange flirtatious transmission signals. “Bleep, bleep, bloop, bloop, bleep … shut the hell up, Dante,” she would say. “Bloop, bloop, bleep, bleep, bloop … you shut the hell up, CMX1200,” I would reply.
We would go back and forth for hours, and then bat our robo-eyelashes at each other until our mechanical hearts “tickered” beneath our steel-plated chests.
My flirtations with the CMX1200 revealed the first implications of my attraction to female robots with spunk, and attitude. I love a female robot that can hold her own in a verbal exchange, isn’t afraid to voice her opinion, and that won’t cry when I eventually prove her opinion wrong.
Essentially, I don’t like a female robot “punk”—and the CMX1200 was definitely no punk.
One day, I visited the GL-900’s space hub to engage in “Digital Image Modulation” and I flew my Meta-bot’s spaceship.
Every robot on Pluto lived with a “Meta-bot.”
Meta-bots were responsible for cooking, cleaning, and maintaining general order of the space hubs on the planet.
My Meta-bot had just gotten a new spaceship and let me fly it to visit the GL-900, with the condition that I return it to my space hub at a reasonable hour. I parked the spaceship in the docking station outside the GL-900’s space hub and went inside.
The GL-900 and I started the “Digital Image Modulation” projector and competed for an hour or so, when the CMX1200 barged into to the space hub—unannounced. “Bleep, bleep, bloop, bleep, bleep … whose spaceship is that out front?” she said.
“Bloop, bleep, bleep … none of your business,” said the GL-900, without looking away from the projector.
“Bleep, bleep, bleep, bloop, bleep … don’t get smart,” said the CMX1200. “Bleep, bleep … I just asked a question.”
The GL-900 and I continued modulating images on the projector while the CMX1200 stood at the hub entrance portal and gazed at the spaceship. She turned to me. “Bleep, bloop, bleep, bleep, bleep … whose spaceship is that, Dante?”
“Bloop, bleep, bleep … that’s my spaceship,” I said.
“Bleep, bleep, bloop, bleep, bleep … that’s not your spaceship,” she said. “Bleep, bleep … stop lying.”
“Bloop, bleep, bleep … why I gotta lie?”
“Bleep, bloop, bloop, bleep, bleep … ’cause you’re a damn liar.”
“Bleep, bloop, bleep … stop hatin’,” I said.
The CMX1200 rolled her eyes and continued looking out the entrance portal. She tried to conceal her curiosity but the sound of her grinding gears gave her away. “Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bloop … is that your spaceship for real?” she said.
“Bloop … yeah,” I said.
“Bleep, bleep, bloop … then let’s go fly around.”
“Bloop, bloop, bleep … I’m not flying you in my spaceship.”
“Bloop, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep … ’cause that’s not your damn spaceship,” she said.
“Bloop, bleep, bleep … that is my spaceship.”
“Bleep, bleep … no, it’s not.”
“Bloop, bloop, bloop … yes, it is my spaceship,” I said. “Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bleep … but I’m not flying you around.”
“Bleep, bleep … why not?”
“Bloop, bloop, bloop … you might leak oil on my seats.”
“Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep … go to hell, Dante!”
The CMX1200 closed the entrance portal and hovered toward the modulation projector. She crossed her arms and glanced at the projector with a feigned interest that lasted all of 12 seconds. “Bleep, bloop, bleep … for real, is that your spaceship?”
“Bloop, bloop, bloop … no, it’s my Meta-bot’s spaceship.”
“Bleep, bleep … I knew it!” she said. “Bloop, bloop, bleep … wit’cho lying ass.”
“Bleep, bleep, bleep … that’s what you get for being nosey,” said the GL-900.
“Bloop, bleep, bloop, bleep, bleep … “both of y’all some lying asses,” said the CMX1200. She huffed out of the room and hovered to the rear compartment of the space hub to talk with the GL-900’s Meta-bot.
Hours later, the GL-900 and I persisted on the image modulator. We piqued the interest of the competition with the wager of a few “space coins.”
The CMX1200 returned to the front compartment and frowned at the projector. “Bleep, bleep, bloop, bleep, bleep … that’s all y’all do—on that damn modulator.”
“Bleep, bleep, bloop … and all you do is mind other people’s business,” said the GL-900.
“Bleep, bloop, bloop, bleep, bleep … I already told you about your mouth, GL-900.” The CMX1200 pointed her finger toward the GL-900 and then turned to me. “Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop … and Dante, what are you still doing here?”
“Bleep, bleep, bloop … don’t worry about why I’m still here,” I said.
“Bloop, bleep, bloop, bloop, bloop … oh, so you want to get smart too?” The CMX1200 zipped across the room with her rocket blasters blazing and sat on my lap.
I couldn’t see past her and I leaned side-to-side to view the projector. “BLEEP, BLEEP, BLOOP, BLOOP … What are you doing, CMX1200?”
“Bloop, bloop, bleep, bleep, bleep … that’s what you get for showing off,” she said, throwing her head back with laughter.
The CMX1200’s obstruction caused me to lose the modulation and some space coins, but despite my infuriation, I notice how good her “robo-parts” felt on my lap. I pushed her aside—but, not so much. “Bloop, bloop, bleep … get off of me.”
“Bleep, bleep, bloop, bloop, bloop … let me use the modulator,” she said, reaching for my modulator control.
“Bleep, bleep … no,” I said. “Bloop, bloop, bloop … you don’t know how to use it.”
“Bleep, bloop, bloop … yes, I do.”
“Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bleep … here, you can use mine,” said the the GL-900, passing his modulator control to CMX1200.
“Bleep, bleep, bleep … what are you doing?” I said.
“Bloop, bloop, bloop, bleep, bleep … I’m going to my charging station.” The GL-900 hovered out of the room and down the corridor that lead to his charging station in the rear compartment of the space hub. I heard the charging station door close.
“Bleep, bleep, bloop, bloop, bleep … now, it’s just you and me,” said the CMX1200.
“Bloop, bleep, bleep … what does that mean?” I said.
“Bloop, bloop, bleep, bleep … I get to beat your butt on this modulation.”
“Bleep, bloop, bloop … yeah, whatever,” I said.
I sensed a vibe in the room that GL-900 must have sensed before he left. I started the modulator and the CMX1200 pushed the control buttons in random, frantic configurations. The modulator images moved and flashed on the projector. When the moving and flashing was done, I was victorious.
“Bleep, bleep, bloop … that was luck,” said the CMX1200.
“Bloop, bloop, bleep … yeah, skilled luck,” I said.
The CMX1200 hovered across the room and turned off the modulator projector. The room went dark and she hovered toward me and retook a seat on my lap. “Bleep, bleep, bleep … let’s talk,” she said.
“Bleep, bleep, bleep … talk about what,” I said.
“Bloop, bloop, bleep … are you still dating TMX320?”
The TMX320 was a female robot from the Upper terrain of Pluto. She and I had had an on-again, off-again relationship, and at the time, were in one of our “off-again” phases, and she was dating a robot from the “Caucasoidian” region of the galaxy. “Bleep, bloop, bloop … nah, we’re just cool,” I said.
“Bloop, bloop … that’s good to know,” said the CMX1200. She leaned closer to me and activated her facial osculation function. I activated my facial osculation function—and we were “osculating.”
The CMX1200 and I had known each other for a while and we had flirted, but had never osculated. We were now osculating like we were making up for lost time. She eased her face toward my ear and whispered, “Bleep, bleep, bloop, bleep, bleep … pull out your diode.”
“Bloop … huh?” I said.
“Bleep, bleep, bleep … pull out your diode.”
“Bloop, bleep, bleep … I’m not pulling out my diode in here.”
“Bleep, bleep … go ahead,” she said. “Bleep, bleep, bleep … Pull out your diode.”
“Bloop, bleep, bleep … no, I’m not pulling out my diode.”
“Bleep, bleep, bleep … pull out your diode,” she said. “Bloop, bloop,bloop, bleep … and I’ll put my capacitor on top.”
“Bleep, bleep, bleep, bloop, bleep, bleep, bloop, bleep … no, I’m not pulling out my diode so you can put your capacitor on top, while GL-900’s Meta-bot is here.”
“Bleep, bleep, bleep … come on, just do it,” she said.
I pushed her aside. “Bleep, bleep, bloop … I’m not doing that in here.”
“Bleep, bleep, bleep … then, let’s go to my space hub,” she said. “Bleep, bleep, bloop, bloop, bleep … my Meta-bot is in the Equinous Galaxy, and won’t be back until tomorrow.”
“Bloop, bloop, bleep … okay, let’s go.”
The CMX1200 and I left GL-900’s space hub. I locked the entrance portal from the inside, and we hovered to her space hub’s platform and went inside through the entrance portal.
We recommenced our facial osculation. She pulled away, “Bleep, bleep, bloop … let’s dance,” she said.
“Bleep bloop … dance?”
“Bleep, bleep, bloop … yeah,” she said. “Bleep, bloop, bloop … that puts me in the mood.”
“Bloop, bloop, bleep … I’m in the mood now,” I said.
“Bleep, bleep, bloop, bleep … come on, just dance with me.”
“Bloop, bloop, bloop, bleep … okay, damn, let’s dance.” We started dancing like two weirdoes and wasting time, as far as I was concerned. But soon enough, the dancing must have taken effect because we starting osculating with more intensity.
We fell onto the space sofa and just as we were about to do “more than osculate,” I pulled away. “Bleep, bleep, bloop … damn!”
“Bloop, bloop … What’s wrong?” she said.
I rose from the sofa. “Bleep, bleep, bleep, bloop … I’ll be back.”
I hovered out the entrance portal, toward GL-900’s space hub.
In the heat of passion and osculating, I had forgotten—I didn’t have any “DIODE SHIELDS!”
I had planned on competing in digital image modulations; I didn’t need diode shields for that.
I arrived at the GL-900’s space hub and didn’t want to go to the entrance portal and disturb his Meta-bot, so I looked to the side of the hub and a projector light was flashing through the side hatch of GL-900’s charging station.
I hovered to the side hatch and tapped the glass.
GL-900 opened the hatch. “Bleep, bleep, bleep, bloop … what’s up?”
“Bleep, bleep, bleep, bloop, bleep … I need a diode shield,” I said.
“Bloop, bleep, bleep … a diode shield?”
“Bleep, bleep, bloop, bleep … yeah, I’m at CMX1200’s space hub,” I said. “Bleep, bloop, bleep, bleep, bleep … we were about to power surge, but I don’t have a diode shield.”
“Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bloop … I thought you were staying over here … bleep, bleep … that’s why I left the room.”
“Bleep, bleep, bloop, bloop, bleep …I wasn’t power surging while your Meta-bot is in there”
“Bleep, bloop … No doubt.” GL-900 hovered away from the window and came back with a diode shield. “Bleep, bleep, bloop, bloop … here.”
I thanked GL-900 and hovered away from his space hub.
When I was half the distance to CMX1200’s hub, I saw lights from a spaceship pulling up to her frontal platform. I thought it was her Meta-bot returning from Equious, but another male robot hovered out of the spaceship.
I hovered to my Meta-bot’s space ship and got inside. I sat at the docking station and waited for the spaceship to leave … and waited … and waited—and it never left.
My batteries needed recharging, so I left the docking station and flew to my space hub.
The next day, the CMX1200 told me that it was her Cousin-bot that had showed up at her space hub in the spaceship.
I responded with, “Oh, okay,” but I was actually thinking, “Um, what damn Cousin-bot comes to your space hub that late in the lunar cycle, and doesn’t leave?”
She and I had no obligations to each other, so we were good—and we never so much as “osculated” again after that.
Lesson learned: Always shield your diode before you get some capacitor … in case a “bleep, bleep” is “bloop, bloop”-ing another “bleep, bloop.”
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+ Thousands of angry complaints from angry people will come to your mail and messengers for sending you a lot of spam
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+ abuse spamhouse for aggressive web spam
+ tens of thousands of negative reviews about you and your website from angry people for aggressive web and email spam
+ lifetime blocking of your hosting account for aggressive web and email spam
+ lifetime blocking of your domain for aggressive web and email spam
+ Thousands of angry complaints from angry people will come to your mail and messengers for sending you a lot of spam
+ complete destruction of your reputation and loss of clients forever
+ for a full recovery from the damage you need tens of thousands of dollars
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After such spam, the spamhouse will turn its attention on you and after several abuses your host will be forced to block your account for life.
Your domain registrar will also block your domain permanently.
All of the above will result in blocking your domain and hosting account for life.
If you do not want to receive thousands of complaints from users and your hosting provider, then pay before June 1, 2019.
The price of your peace of mind is 0.5 BTC.
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